STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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