My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
