if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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