Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
