I met the friendliest cop last night
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
