3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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