I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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