the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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