oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
