My underwear smells like fireworks.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
