im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
