seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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