I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
