i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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