I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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