This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
