M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
