my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
