I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
