He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
