I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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