theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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