Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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