You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
