Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
