She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We named our party play list daddy issues
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
