dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
