why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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