dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
