I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
