Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
