ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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