Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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