two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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