Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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