there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
