remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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