I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
time to smoke my breakfast
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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