I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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