Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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