I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
