god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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