talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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