Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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