Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
