we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
