how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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