I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
