I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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