My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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