just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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