I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
