She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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