She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize