im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
