I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
