R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
