watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
