I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
